25 May 2006
Life after death
I know that some people will keep items of clothing worn by deceased loved ones unwashed, because it still has their familiar smell.
I did not have the kind of relationship with Derrick that would give smells or locks of hair sentimental value.
The thing that I find tender difficulty in doing, though, is modifying parts of databases and files which still bear his automatically recorded presence and the time that he changed them. As soon as I save a change, his name is wiped out, and so his recorded memory is slowly being erased.
Sometimes I search for his name on the Internet, wanting to find people who remember him and who would speak highly of him and who would care that he is dead.
I don't think it will ever be "OK" to me that he died when he did. But I have never tried to fight the fact; only sometimes I try to find new ways of living with it.